I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
there is puke in my bra ... again
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
