Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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