I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
