dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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