I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
