textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
