I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
