I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
