Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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