I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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