I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i love accidental penises.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
