haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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