Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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