Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
