The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
