i need an iv and a liver transplant
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
