Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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