my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
