Soap is not a condiment
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
