my mouth tastes like poor choices
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
