Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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