true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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