I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
