Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
