This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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