i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
