OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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