its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
