if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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