I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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