dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
