Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
