whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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