I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
