I didn't shave. On purpose
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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