You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
