The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
