My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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