Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
