maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I love having hate sex.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
