Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
