She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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