I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
