John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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