I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This is classic penis vs brain.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
