My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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