nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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