my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
