low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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