We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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