My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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