Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
