My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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