why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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