I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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