I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
