Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
